So, weekends, what do I do? I can’t bring myself to watch crap Saturday night TV, I have become a regular ‘doom’ scroller and can waste 2 hours just reading insignificant crap about various things… health hacks, how to become the best version of yourself, by working out 3 hours a day, eating couscous & beetroot, sleeping a good 9 hours (I’ve never done that, even before ‘this’), how being in your 50’s is the best time for ‘you’, how to look after your skin… they obviously don’t realise, that on a weekend one of my 5 a day, is a bottle of Merlot !! My favourites are how to build an outfit from 5 pieces – all of which average £100 each.. Yet I still avidly read these posts, whilst realising, its all ‘fluff’ that is just back ground noise..if you let it.

Its coming up to the ‘3 year’ mark soon and I still cannot believe he’s gone. Time has a way of sitting you in a suspended animation of your past life, yet putting you through the paces of your current/new life. I know I need to form a truly new life, yet I’m not so sure what that looks like. What I don’t want to do is spend another 12 months procrastinating and over thinking. Oh, god, I am so good at over thinking. I can give you 100 different scenarios to one event, 99 of which would probably never happen. It’s almost a hobby now.

So back to weekends. Sundays are the hardest, it was when we always did something different, went somewhere, walked somewhere, ate, and drank somewhere different. I now pick a dog walking route and walk, and walk and walk. I see ‘ladies’ of a certain age walking their beloved mutts and I think, is that me soon, will I be scowling at the current version of me, because I haven’t put the mutt on a lead as we approach (the mutt is amazing with other dogs, basically ignores them, just like her mum ignoring other humans!). Will I be wearing ill fitting trousers with elasticated waistbands for comfort? will I be dressing purely for comfort because its just me and the dog? When does this happen? Will I just give up and smell permanently of wet dog food? When do I decide that I will no longer dye my hair or indeed have it cut ever again? These are the things that fill my head at 3am!! I have only myself to please (some would say how lucky I am), I can do whatever I want. But what the f@@k does that look like? still trying, thinking, procrastinating and keeping myself in suspended animation…. but for how much longer?…