Some days I’m waiting for everything to become ‘normal’ again, not this continuous, sad documentary, which would fit nicely onto a FreeView channel at 3pm on a Wednesday… Then reality kicks in and I realise this is the new ‘normal’. I’ve read a lot about grief, the various stages, the endless memes and posts that I follow, looking for a solution to my grief, looking for a connection, in that I’m not losing it, or going mad, in this chaos of a world, where I feel like I no longer ‘fit in’.

But who does really ‘fit in’? Endless ‘influencers’ are telling us what to eat, what to wear, where to eat, how to look, what to buy… its wallpaper for the lonely and some days that’s ok, other days its time to switch off.. But I don’t want to switch off, as then reality hits…

Over the 2.9 years I have learnt a lot. I have learnt that you should never ‘save things for best’ – wear those shoes, spray that perfume and eat the M&S treacle pudding (always). Don’t put things off… I know get a labrador puppy, 4 months after you’ve lost your soul mate… that’s a great idea.. It was an amazing distraction, as I picked up the worst poop (think Bisto gravy), sleepless nights, always wondering what the hell she was eating in the garden and succumbed to endless nippy biting as well as continuous stealing of anything she shouldn’t have… but it was the best distraction, as she has now become my world and has saved me a hundred times over..

So this isn’t necessarily ‘it’, it’s just a moment in time. Mildred and me have adventures to go on, places to see and people (hopefully, not just the 80 year old man, who smells of spam… its a dog walking thing.. I have a dog, he has a dog… so we always speak…but that is for another day). I just need to get my ‘it’ back